Monday, November 24, 2008

Weekly Doucheing: The Fabulous and the Vile of the Week just gone


  • Andrew Tidball's 40th Birthday at Whammy Bar. The Pie-fingered Champion of Local Music outdid hisself. Only the funnest and cutest were in attendance, flush with the rush of the first wave of Spring Parties (Before we all go to so many we can no longer feel our faces). Lushest of all was disco-pig Celia Phillips in all her Molly Ringwald channelling glory. For most of the year the girl is chained to a sewing-machine, pumping out yummy frocks and one-pieces. When she throws on her vintage YSL pumps , her moves make us all look like we're doing the "Chicken Dance" and wearing rags by comparison. Just when the night appeared to be drying out, The Smartest Man In Auckland Jeremy Lynch arrived at the flat we were greeting the dawn at with literally a sack of booze. Timing is everything my friends. Bravo Sir!
  • The Faggification of supposed "Straight" Boys. Fuck Me. We all know Lesbianism has enjoyed quite the renaissance lately (think local lead-vocalist and gorgeous long-haired shopgirl), it seems the burly pussy-eating boys are following suit. After being bought drinks all night and dodging blatant make-out "lean-ins" from one womanizing filmmaker earlier on in the week, imagine your bloggers delight at being on the receiving end of a straighto's efforts at seduction on Saturday. It all ended rather divinely at the home of yours truly, with the only breeder hiccup being the straighteys suggestion that we offer a menage a trois to my supermodelish female flatemate. Don't think so buddy. Lock up your Boyfriends, ladies. Me and my Posse can teach them a thing or two.....

  • Wigs, Wigs, Wigs! When I lived in Sydney one of my nearest and dearest worked as what is refereed to as a "Rub N Tug" Girl. Basically this entailed giving lengthy oiled massages to hideous men, and finishing with a "Happy Ending". The upshot of her job however, was that she had an immense variety of wigs at her disposal. Couple this with a healthy drug habit, and the woman would show up to any appointment wearing the most extravagant of hairpieces. I'll never forget a coffee date I had with her in Surrey Hills where she showed up wearing a many-layered Rainbow wig, no doubt made from the hair of starving Thai Children. Her philosophy can and should be applied in Auckland. I wore an aubergine piece twice last week, and it is fair to say I never had more fun, nor looked soooo goood.... JUST DO IT....


  • A certain Shortland Street Celebrity's Birthday Party Guestlist. The man in question is sweet-as-pie, but those celebrating his birth were certainly, certainly not. The Black-clad and Boring of the Retail World were there in force, as well as the despised and hellish so-called 'Thespian' Scenesters. If you're going to tell me all about your latest Theatre Production, at least give me the chance to obtain a rifle to shoot myself with. Better still, use it on yourself....Maybe next life you'll be born with some actual talent.....
  • The New iPhone. Good On You. You paid like a trillion dollars for some piece of shit you'll either lose in two weeks, get stolen, or will be so outdated come Christmas you'll be embarrassed to pull it out at the Supermarket. Me? I'm gonna stick with my antique Nokia....It's touchscreen too...As In: YOU TOUCH THE BUTTONS AND NUMBERS COME UP ON THE SCREEN....Amazing, Ya?

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