On Being Nice To People You Hate

It is the curse of this Auckland City of ours that those that make us want to run screaming for the hills are near impossible to avoid. A pre-morning-shower scoot to the Dairy to get Toilet Paper and cigs turns into an impromptu High School Reunion, Family catch-up and Staff Party, with the odd regretable one-night-stand thrown in, whilst you have last night's booze on your breath, and an empty condom packet attached to your shoe. It's hideous I know, but like or lump, this is how our town works. We all go to the same few fabulous bars and live in the same few fabulous area's (apart from those who don't but they obviously got suckered into the whole "(insert crappy suburb name here) is the new Ponsonby" bullshit line that real estate agent's have been peddling for years).

The downside of this of course, is that anywhere one goes, one finds oneself in the company of a hated acquaintance.

It used to be a matter of personal pride that I did not maintain relations with those that I loathe. Nothing. Not even a "Hey Babes, you look good!" or a "How's Sandringham?" would pass my lips to those chosen horrid few. I would not Greet, dance within four feet of, nor make eye-contact (aside from the occasional surly glare) with these un-lovely ones.

This approach has proved to be folly. With the best non-deceitful intentions of being open and honest socially in mind, I succeeded only in morphing my thinly-veiled spite into a thundering war-cry, other people got involved, inevitably picked sides and it always got very boringly Mean Girls. Moreover, a steely persona of contempt is rather hard to maintain, and rather vile for all involved, including the one projecting said persona. Not only that, the awful reality is that any private event that the object of your wroth attends will force the host of that event to decide whom to invite between the two of you-and you may not always win, Gasp.

The following methods to deal with Being Nice To People You Hate are recommended:

• Never show outward signs about your feelings to the friends of your despised. This is tacky and pointless. The friends will certainly sympathise with the despised and you will be demonised. Plus, it's pretty lamely bitchy.

• If a conversation with the odious one is essential make it a heart-2-heart, and make it fictional. Something related to childhood, parent's or love life is ideal fodder and can be lifted directly from the life story of, say, Courtney Love, and can be modified to fit you. This is brilliant as not only is actual truthful conversation/interaction between you avoided (you don't wanna tell this Mole your fucking life story, clearly) but the odious one will believe that the two of you have conversed deeply and personally, and thus be thrown off the scent of your scathing inclinations.

• It is important not to take the Moral Highground. If it is decided that you hate someone, none of their drabbish actions should surprise or outrage you. Of Course they were responsible for that massive gaping hole of a failed apartment development on Ponsonby Road and they killed Bambi. Not interested. Better still, don't take any "ground" moral or otherwise at all. They should be persona non grata in your life, to be viewed with indifference when viewed at all.

• Keep in mind: though the wretch may be the filthiest, most heinous first-born of Adolf Hitler and Oprah Winfrey, Manners, as in any social occasion, are paramount. Always say "How are you" to the cuntface, smile, then dash off as quickly as possible. Be polite and gracious, remembering that the most leering, sweaty, foul-mouthed, rip-off artist Taxi Driver is deserving of such minor niceties. And no one likes a Rude Bastard, regardless of whom's company they are in.